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"Dear children! I have told you already that I have chosen you in a special way, just the way you are. I, the Mother, love you all. And in any moment that is difficult for you, do not be afraid! Because I love you even then when you are far from me and my Son. Please, do not let my heart weep with tears of blood because of the souls who are lost in sin. Therefore, dear children, pray, pray, pray! Thank you for having responded to my call."
Our Lady's Medjugorje Message, May 24, 1984
In the spring of 2004, I had been away from the Church for nearly 10 years.. By this time, like many in society today, I had grown accustomed to living life on my terms trying to reach that ultimate sense of success.. A nice home, a new car, a good paying job, lot's of money in the bank, the 'perfect' wife, perfect kids, a well groomed lawn, a workshop in the garage, and a trip to Hawaii of course would top the cake just perfect I thought.. Of course, I did not have all these things but these were my goals in life.. What I did have was a lack of employment, a marriage that was falling apart, not even enough change in my pocket to grab coffee in the morning let alone support my wife and children.. we were on the verge of being evicted, and I carried an extremely deep sense of feeling alone and abandoned to the world in my heart..
I had become an extremely worldly soul by this time.. I lived for 'self'... For years an alcoholic and drug user, I had quit drinking years earlier, however still, I had fallen into many other worldly vises.. I practically worshiped rock music, idolizing bands like Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Ozzy Osbourne, Iron Maiden, Metallica, and the very worst of the worst in what is often deemed devil worshiping music.. Tuesday evening I would rush home, "everyone get out of my way! The Osbourne's are on T.V.!!" It was the highlight of my week..
Then, one spring evening, shortly after my wife and kids were asleep in bed, I stood on the back porch of our little two bedroom bungalow just staring up towards the heavens pondering the outcome so far of my horrible life.. My life was falling apart and it was really beginning to hit me hard.. I couldn't cope anymore.. My marriage was in great peril.. and I just couldn't make any real sense of it all.. That tends to happen when we refuse to look at ourselves.. How could everything turn out this way? I'm a good person, ain't I?.. But what a mess my life had become.. I was on the verge of suicide, the only thing holding me back was the horrible thought of what might lie on the 'other side'... "Lord, if You exist then You better step in, cause I can't take it anymore!" I cried..
The following day, I was out in the early afternoon doing some yard work.. a man named Chris, a mutual friend I knew through working in construction pulled up into our driveway.. he had a small plaster repair for a customer of his for me to take a look at if I was interested.. He told me all about the little job and gave me the customer's phone number, one conversation lead to the next and soon we were onto other topics, including the 'times' we are living in.. Until this moment I was not aware that Chris was Catholic.. We had never discussed religion or faith before.. Yet, he seemed so comfortable to just open up and share his faith.. and despite my being away from the Church for so long I did not feel threatened in any way as I generally would whenever someone began talking religion..
Chris wasn't talking religion though.. he was sharing a message of truth.. That Our Lady was coming in these times to call Her children back to God.. That our beloved Holy Father Pope John Paul II was chosen directly by Our Lady to help Her achieve this goal, and that Jesus was standing there ready to forgive and welcome God's children back into His Heart like the prodigal son of Scripture.. I listened.. A tad skeptical but I listened.. After about an hour and a half Chris needed to get going, but before he pulled out of the driveway he handed me a book.. This book contained messages from Our Lady to a Roman Catholic priest named Fr. Stefano Gobbi...
Now whether or not these messages to Fr. Gobbi prove to be legit in the end did not matter .. What mattered was what happened deep within my heart as I sat down that evening and began to read them.. Elizabeth and the kids were already in bed and I sat there with this book on my lap as it seemed to call out to me to open it up and read it.. So I did.. And within minutes it was as if Our Lady herself was speaking directly to me.. I could even hear the words I was reading in the tone of a gentle woman's voice calling out to me.. "Listen my dear child, I love you so much.." and the more I read the more the tears began to flow..
By about the third message I read I was overwhelmed with an onslaught of emotions! Sadness and regret.. remorse.. I could suddenly see every little sin I ever committed.. I could see everything I was doing wrong that lead up to where I was in my life at that moment.. but despair?? Nope! Not at all! That's the whole miracle of it all.. Because, at the same time I felt loved.. complete utter love! "You're going to be okay my child.. just take my hand and I will lead you to salvation.. to my Son Jesus who desires to forgive you and welcome you back into a life you were meant to live.." I jumped out of my seat and began scouring the house for a Rosary.. I just had to pray!!! I felt so desperate to pray for forgiveness.. to start making things right! Right with God.. right with others!
I searched and I searched.. "Darn!" I thought.. "How come every time I clean this house I stumble across so many Rosaries! Gosh, she has them everywhere!" (Actual words I used omitted) I thought.. referring to my wife's small collection of Rosaries over the years.. "Yet now I need one and can't find one!" ::) After about a 20 minute search finally, alas! Amidst junk in a junk drawer I found a Rosary! And not just a Rosary, but a very special Rosary that had a prophesy attached to it.. You see, some years earlier, just before I fell away from the Church I had been on a weekend Catholic men's retreat.. and a very quiet man who hardly said a word the entire retreat came up to me along the path the last hour before everyone was to leave for home and handed me this beautiful cherry wood Rosary with the word 'MEDJUGORJE' inscribed on the Crucifix.. I remembered within an instant as I now stood there desperate to pray with this same Rosary in my hands.. He had placed it in my hands, looked me in the eyes and said, "One day you are going to need this Rosary.. Please remember me when you pray with it." I thought, wow! How prophetic is that! And I did remember.. as bad as I am with names, I remembered his name and offered prayers on the spot for John.. he shared the same name as mine..
So here I was, the very first time in almost a decade holding a precious Rosary in my hands.. It had been 10 years since I prayed.. 10 years since my last confession.. 10 years since I went to Church.. at least aside from Weddings, Baptisms, and funerals where all i got out of it was sitting there staring at the ceiling admiring the architecture.. I began to pray the Rosary.. very rusty though, I even couldn't remember all the words to the Hail Mary.. and certainly couldn't remember to say the Fatima prayer after each decade, "O my Jesus, forgive us our sins.. save us from the fires of hell.. Lead all souls to heaven, especially those in most need of your mercy." Not even sure if I had known this prayer prior to that night..
Suddenly, I NEEDED to do all of this! To begin praying.. to go back to Church and to confession.. to have Jesus back into my life.. And the most amazing of all the possible graces in all of this was that I WANTED to do all of this! So I knew what I had to do and couldn't wait until tomorrow to go do it! I fell asleep with that Rosary in my hands.. By the way, that was May 13, 2004... Feast of the first Fatima Apparition..
